Sunday, December 28, 2008

Ice Chapters

Shoulder: Dislocated.
lost count
13 or 14 times maybe.
Cause: Slipped on ice

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Gnome pranks!

Okay, so one day i was walking past the forest and i hear this grunting sound. It sounded like a baby trying to poop. Well, I was close! It was a gnome!
David the gnome!
Yes, that's right, he's real! I believe in him, so he must be real!
Anyways, that grunting was David. He was constipated. Who knew?!
Well, I couldn't help but laugh and then when i saw he had a little mini roll of TP next to him i decided it would be funny to take it! hahaha!
He was looking all over for it!
"Oh shit! Where did i put my toilet paper??"
"Lisa is going to be so pissed at me if i return home with shit pants again!"
That was a funny prank I pulled that day. I hope one day you too are lucky enough to cross paths with David the gnome as he tries to do his dirty work!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

"El Oso"

Once upon a time, Bear (aka Merrill) decided it was time to lose some weight.
He tried everything from the Subway diet to the South beach diet, but nothing seemed to work. He was reading up on all kinds of radical new diets, desperate to find something suitable for him.
Nothing was clicking.
He became so frustrated that suddenly without warning he let out a huge bear roar and punched a hole through the wall! This caught everyone's attention and dollar signs started to literally float above Corey's head.
"We will train this Bear," Corey muttered under his breath.
Bear, at this point, was willing to try anything and boxing sounded like a good way to lose a couple pounds. So began Bear's colorful boxing career as "El Oso" (The Bear)!
I would be his personal trainer. I coached him everyday and made sure he balanced his diet of Subway, Chipotle, Panera, and McDonalds (pronounced MAC Donalds). I new he was ready for his first fight when he ate 3 burritos in one sitting at Chipotle.
What's that?
Not impressed?
Well, let me remind you that he swallowed three burritos whole (foil included)!
Corey was booking the fights and pulling in the cash. He was a very good promoter!
Dave was... well, he was there!
The big day came and "El Oso" let out a terrifing ROOOOAAAARRRR!
He knocked his opponent out cold with one damaging right hook. He actually killed him.
El Oso became a household name in Toledo and he defeated anyone or anything that was placed before him. He went on to become Toledo's best underground boxing champion! Most importantly, he lost the weight!
Over a span of 4 months Bear achieved great success but unfortunately also experienced failure. You see, he put too much trust into Corey, Dave and I. We screwed him out of much of his hard fought money.
Do I feel bad about it?
No, I'm rich now!
Weight loss comes at a price these days. Bear learned that lesson the hard way.
Today he spends his time sitting in a puddle of his own urine, drinking wine from the bottle and reliving his glory days as "El Oso"!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Enter: Chili-mouth!

Have you ever wondered how chili is made?
I have.
One day my co-workers and I found the "holy grail" of chili. It was at McDonalds (the one in Toledo on Central Avenue) where we witnessed a crazy man produce chili right before our very eyes!
At first there were four of us: myself (Scoot), Dave, Corey, and Merrill. We decided that McDonalds (pronounced MAC-Donalds) would be a healthy yet satisfying choice for lunch this day. As we were eating we noticed a strange situation taking place across the restaurant from our table. A man ( homeless??) staggered in carrying an old fashioned alarm clock, complete with dangling cord and a 2 ltr. of Dr. Pepper. He was babbling loudly and a McDonald's employee was quick to seat him and provide him with a bowl of soup and water.
Well, by this time we were finishing up and Merrill decided that he was going to leave a little early to go pick up some dog food for his puppy dog. Corey, Dave, and I wished Merrill luck and decided to hang back and enjoy each other's company.
A short time later we noticed the man had become extremely angry and was yelling at a woman peacefully eating her salad in the booth close to him. He was yelling and laughing and really animated. Of course, the three of us started talking under our breath.
"wow, i can't believe this..."
"Listen to this dude!"
"haha...this is crrrazzy."
We noticed that the woman had become frustrated by the man's ridiculous antics and decided to leave. This is when Corey noticed the man had directed his full attention at us!
Corey began to chuckle, " I think he's talking to you, man."
Sure enough, this man was pointing in my direction and mumbling words like:
Baby boy!
Young boy!
Teenage boy!
I was terrified! What did I do?
Corey became serious for a moment, "Oh shit. He's coming over here!"
The man was like a combination between the old man in the movie "Home Alone" and a drunken old "Popeye". He walked uncomfortably close to us at our table and kept his balance by grabbing on to Dave's shoulder.
He was laughing and yelling and then we noticed the magic happening before our eyes, real home-made chili was projecting from his foul, dank mouth with every word and cackle!
We were all disgusted (especially Dave) but deep down we knew we were experiencing something few people would ever encounter. Corey kept the old man's temper calm by laughing WITH him instead of at him.
Corey's pretend laugh encouraged the man to laugh more, which caused him to produce more chili.
After a short time the man decided that he had made his point and walked back to his seat. We looked at each other, covered in natural man-made chili and smiled.
As we hit the exit we made sure to say goodbye to that magical man. We may not have understood a damn word he said but we sure as hell rediscovered the meaning of the word respect!

Monday, December 15, 2008

Meter Reading: Warehouse fight

Throughout most of 2006, I was a meter reader for Toledo Edison. I wanted to be the best meter reader ever! To achieve such an honor meant that I would need to be willing to sacrifice everything in order to get an accurate reading.
One day, while on my downtown route, I noticed the lights were on in an old abandoned warehouse. "No problem", I thought. I'll just use my old abandoned warehouse key. Problem. My key wasn't working to gain access. Next, I peaked through a small dusty window only to find one of Toledo's most notorious crime boss': Snowface! He was using the warehouse as his new hideout. I could see the meter up on the catwalk with a red tag (which meant the electric had been shut off) but even with my binoculars I couldn't get a clear reading. I knew they were stealing electricity but I needed proof. It was then that it struck me, "This looks like a job for the Best Meter Reader Ever!"
I used a nearby chain, along with a homeless man's sock to create a grappling hook. Then, I climbed a fire escape on a building across from the warehouse. I tossed the grappling hook onto the roof of the warehouse and it worked! I swung heroically from building to building and the homeless man below gave me a thumbs up.
Once inside, Snowface ordered his goons to attack me. Nothing was going to stand between me and an accurate reading! Snowface's days of illegal power were numbered!

Sunday, December 14, 2008


This is a fun self-portrait i did recently. It's supposed to represent me at work being haunted by a project that never ends!